I wish you were here to wipe my tears. I wish you were here to tell me things will be okay. Tell me that all these fears of mine are nothing. I want you to hold me. Wrap me up in your arms. Hold me so tight. I wish you were here to take my pain away. My heart is racing. It feels like its above to leap out of my chest. Where are you? You are the one who can bring it beat normal. I wish you were here to hold my hand. You are the one who can guide me through the hard times. Why aren’t you here? I need you right now. More than I have ever need you before. 

I promised myself I wouldn’t do this anymore. I promised myself all of these things. Yet, here I am doing them all over again. Letting myself follow the mistakes of my past. Well, great, now what am I supposed to do? I already have let it happen. I am letting my past repeat itself. I told myself that I would be smart. I wouldn’t let myself fall. I wouldn’t let myself get hurt. I wouldn’t be weak. But the way he held my hand and the way he said my name. How could I have not swooned for him? All I can do now is hope for the best, I guess. Maybe this time it won’t be as bad. Who the hell am I kidding, of course it will be. Tighten your seat belts ladies and gentleman, it is going to be a bumpy ride. 

Today is a day most people won’t forget. Everyone knows where they were and what they were doing on this day. The sense of pain and sadness is overcomes most people when they think about this day. I know where I was, I remember what I was doing. But I also have another memory from this day. One I from time to time feeling guilty for having. Few years on 9/11, it was my bat mitzvah. It was one of the biggest days of my life. I became a women that day. I remember it for the sadness that it was in 2001 but is alright for me to remember it has one of the happiest days of my life as well? 

Well, its that time of year again for all the college kids to start getting ready to go away to school. I know I need to start packing or at least start to figure out what I want to bring with me to school but I seem to have other things on my mind. Did I do everything I wanted to do this summer? I mean time sure flew by fast, I feel like I only just got home a week ago, yet my Father is already asking what time should we leave to make the drive down to school. I just feel like I didn’t do anything this summer. My time wasn’t wasted but yet it wasn’t very productive either. I’m not ready to get back into the swing of studying, I was just getting used to sitting around and doing nothing with my life. I know when I get back to school all will be swell, but for right now, college may be the last thing on my mind.

I’ve been where you are. I’ve felt what you’ve felt. I know what is going on in your head. I’m sorry. I know all the pain you are feeling. I get it. But I promise you this, it will get better. All of this, it will go away. You will wake up one morning and you will feel like you. This pain that is hovering over our chest and all this weight on your shoulders will go away. I promise you this. 

The best time to think is in the shower. There is no one there is bother you and no one to interrupt your thoughts. It is perfect. My thoughts although aren’t always sane. In the shower the other day I was thinking about if I was able to transform into any other creature what would I want to be. At first I thought about being a mermaid, but the whole not being able to walk on land really got to me. Then I thought about turning into a dragon, but being feared all of the time isn’t something for me. This kept going, I would think of something to turn into and then I find something that turned me away from it. Then I figured out the best creature I could be, the one that is always changing. When the problem appeared in the creature I was, I could simply transform. I wish I could transform right now. 

I’m about to rant about something. So if you don’t want to hear what I have to say this is when you should stop reading. I follow the vegan tab on tumblr for multiple reasons. I like looking at the food people make, hoping to find something I could make myself. I like to see people who post things about how they are proud to be vegan but don’t put down other people. I go there for support but there is something that drives me mad every time I click the tab. People who post about going to vegan or even vegetarian to lose weight. That shouldn’t be the reason why you stop consuming animals or animal byproducts. I just don’t understand, so after you lose the weight you’ve been dying to shed you will go back to eating the foods some of us have committed our lives to not eating? I’m not a preacher, I don’t tell people what they should or shouldn’t eat but being a vegan or vegetarian isn’t some sort of fad diet, its a life style. Some of us actual care what happens to the animals and what it does to our environment. If you are going to go veg, at least do it for the right reason. It shouldn’t be for you to lose weight, it should be for the animals. Their the ones with no voice. 

Sometimes I just stand in the rain. I lets rain drops hit my skin one after another. I don’t move and nor do I care. It hits me again and again but I don’t move. You are probably wondering why I am allowing myself to do this. It allows me to feel something. Something other than this numbness. My body feels alive. I stand there with all my clothes on and I feel something other than the sadness that runs through my veins. For just one moment I feel alive.

I lay here in bed listen to the strokes of the guitar and the thump of the drums. The music makes my body move. My heart moving along with the beat. My eyes closed so tight, picturing the bands on stage. Making music not for the money but for love of playing. It was a different time then. But the time was so much better. Classic rock. That is what real music is.